


let die to let live

by laidellennt



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 13:33:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13741986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laidellennt/pseuds/laidellennt
Summary: Somewhere in between the next time’s and the I’ve got you buddy’s, Lance fell deep and inexplicably in love with Keith. And then, because it's Lance and Lance can never have nice things, it goes awry.





	let die to let live

**Author's Note:**

> fic based off the song sex by EDEN. listen to that while or before reading.   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaSn9UYn34g

It was only natural, Lance thinks, that this would happen.

 

A teenaged virgin trapped on an alien ship in space with 6 other people all somehow stuck up each other’s asses at all times of the day fighting an intergalactic war he didn’t even know _existed_ two years ago was bound to end badly. Not to mention any “alone time” Lance tried to squeeze in was promptly interrupted by blaring sirens. Every. Time. It made Lance paranoid enough to check his room for cameras in case he was being watched or something. He got  to yank it maybe once or twice a month, which is severely lacking for someone as sexually deprived as Lance.

 

So, the other option was to actually get laid. Which, you’d think, would be easy. Lance is young, in his prime, Defender of the Universe, space is teeming with potential alien lovers, and  he likes to think he’s attractive.  Before, on Earth, he’d wanted to save himself for someone special. Yeah, he kissed a couple people, but the good stuff would wait until he really loved someone. His body’s worth like 2 million on the black market. He took a quiz. But now he’s part of Team Voltron, light years from Earth, and he’s kind of afraid he’s going to die. How could he go out with a bang if he’s never banged, right?

 

It was sort of easy to get someone to actually want to go to bed with him. The first one was a really pretty, green alien that kind of reminded Lance of Medusa because she had tentacles with eyes for hair but that wasn’t a turn off because he was just that desperate. They had met at her home planet when they were hosting a party to thank Voltron for liberating them. When they’d gotten to her den- that was really the best word Lance could use to describe, what with the tent and massive mound of pillows and blankets in the middle - she looked at Lance’s ass and said “I don’t think my tentacles will fit in there,”  and  then he was hauling that ass out of there and hid in the ship for the rest of the party.

 

The second time was with an alien who was clearing at least 2 feet over Lance, purple body covered in sprawling, glowing tattoos, and had like, four tits, but they didn’t have tentacles so that was mighty fine by Lance’s standards. But when they’d finally gotten down to it and Lance stuck his dick into the massive cavern that passed as their alien equivalent of a vagina, they’d only looked up and said “Did you put it in yet?” Lance had been so mortally embarrassed that he had to excuse himself like he had Voltron business and then promptly cried in his bed for an hour straight.

 

Those two brief escapades had been enough to turn Lance from strange alien sex. It was just him, his hand, and the nice smelling lotion that Lance found in the medicine cabinet in his bathroom.

 

Well, it was, until Keith shoved him up against the wall of the training room with his hands fisted in the collar of Lance’s jacket and knee shoved in his crotch. Lance started babbling and his eyes looked everywhere but Keith’s, which was incredibly hard considering he was _right there_ and then Keith whispered “shut up” against his mouth and made out with him like his life depended on it.

 

And then- of course - the alarms blared, and Keith bit Lance’s lip before letting the weak-kneed boy drop to the floor and running off. Lance excepted them to talk about it after the battle, but they didn’t. When Lance tried to corner him in his room, they ended up just making out more and giving each other mutually amazing blow jobs. And the next time Lance tried to talk to Keith about _it_ , whatever it was, they fucked on the floor. The next time, Keith fucked Lance into the control panel until Lance cried. The next, Lance fucked Keith in the pool until Keith screamed. And the next, and the next, and the next-

 

Lance just gave up trying to talk it out, because clearly, that would never happen. It was a nice arrangement they had going anyway. Keith was objectively attractive and it was a great way to get rid of his sexual tension. Honestly, it wasn’t even that bad that Keith was Lance’s real first time.

 

And then everything went wrong because it’s Lance and everything nice in his life never lasts and he loves people with everything he has, now including Keith.

 

Somewhere in between the _next time_ ’s and the _I’ve got you buddy_ ’s, Lance fell deep and inexplicably in love with Keith. Keith started being nice after their arrangement began, because the deities had decided it would be too easy if they hated each other. The pair had inside jokes only they understood, plenty of nights in each other’s room, sometimes without having sex before or during, just enjoying the company, and Lance had even brought Keith around to doing skin care routines and playing video games with him. They’ve become a clutch for each other. They’re both god awful at expressing feelings, but they know how to bring each other up either through stilted conversation, a meaningful “idiot” whispered under a breath, or a particularly good blow job.

 

Lance fell in love with the way Keith snorted when he laughed. The way he collected every bit of loot he found on games. The way he’d never hesitate to reach a hand out to Lance when he needed it. The way he puffed his cheeks when holding his breath underwater, or the way he turned beet red when Lance brushed again him in public, or the way he moaned when Lance bit that spot on his neck-

 

You get it. Lance is so hopelessly in love with Keith.

 

Lance also knows that it will never work.

 

One, because a relationship would totally knock the balance of Voltron off kilter. The team didn’t need a teenage romance blooming when they had bigger things to deal with. Things with weapons and warships that could kill them.

 

Two, because Lance overheard Keith telling the camera Coran assigned him for the video dairies, quote, “I don’t think I could love anyone again. They always _die._ It’s messed up. I can’t do it anymore.”

 

And Lance knows this, knows it won’t work, that it isn’t working right now because he shouldn’t be doing his with Keith when he’s just so enamored, but he also knows that he doesn’t want it to ever end.

 

It does.

 

The two are sitting in Keith’s bed, naked and sweating, and Lance may or may not be hyperventilating because he’s got a leg twined with Keith’s and Keith hates cuddling. His eyes slide over to Keith’s face and is unsettled by the glare he’s throwing to the ceiling.

 

_and I said what’s up, what you been thinking?_

_cause you’ve been staring at that roof so long I’d swear it’s come alive_

“What’s wrong?” Lance says, wiggling his toes against Keith’s calf.

 

“Huh?” Keith says, turning to look at Lance.

 

“I mean, you’re glaring holes into the ceiling. What’s up? Are you worried about Lotor, or something? ‘Cause lemme tell you right now, that purple fleabag can only _dream_ of defeating Voltron. Wait, not even dream it, ‘cause Shiro can just astroproject himself and beat Lotor’s ass in his own dreams, so-“

 

“No,” Keith interrupts. “It’s not that.”

 

Lance blinks. “Then what?”

 

_and he spoke nine words_

_and now we’re sinking_

_but I can’t find it in myself to lie to keep this thing from_

_going down_

 

“I think I’m gonna join the Blade of Marmora.”

 

Lance draws in a breath that’s hard to hold. His hands grasp the sheets. “Why?” he croaks.

 

Keith turns away to glare at the ceiling again. “It’s what’s best for the team.”

 

“How-“ Lance starts, but it comes out louder than he intended. He clears his throat. “How?”

 

Keith seems to struggle for a minute. “It just is.”

 

“No,” Lance says. His heart’s beating his ribcage and the blood starts to rush in his ears. “You can’t.”

 

Keith directs that glare at him. “Why can’t I, Lance?”

 

_‘cause that boy took my heart_

_and I don’t want it back, no_

_I’m laying down my cards_

 

And Lance can’t say _because you mean the most to me and if you leave I’ll be so incredibly empty and broken_ so he settles on a half hearted whisper of “Voltron.”

 

“Voltron will be perfectly fine without me.” Lance so badly wants to say, _no, no it won’t because I’ll hate everything and everyone and Voltron will fall apart but most importantly so will I_ but he can’t. “I’m leaving, Lance. I need to”

 

Keith looks pointedly into his eyes.

 

Lance swallows. Keith watches his throat bob. “So I guess it’s over, then? What we have, I mean.”

 

Keith pulls his legs away from Lance’s and turns his back to him. “Yeah.”

 

It shouldn’t hurt so bad, but it does.

 

_‘cause you said it meant nothing_

_and I shouldn’t’ve kept my silence_

_but I guess I’m too attached to my own pride_

_to let you know_

 

It feels like the last time Lance saw Earth. Like his heart’s been ripped from his body and cotton stuck forced down his throat and a hammer and nail taken to his head. Tears prick the back of his eyes.

 

It shouldn’t hurt this bad.

 

_all these word mean nothing_

_and I’ve always been this heartless_

_we’re just having sex_

_I would never call it love_

_but-_

But it does.

 

 _-love_.

 

Lance takes a shuddering breath and digs his nails into his palms. “Fine,” he snaps, ignoring the way his voice breaks pitifully. He awkwardly climbs over Keith and starts yanking on his clothes. “Fine. Leave. I don’t care, never did, never will, just leave us all behind, right? ‘Snot like we mean anything to you, ‘snot like we’re all practically orphans now, ‘snot like we don’t deal with our own demons or whatever, because it’s all about Keith, isn’t it-“

 

“Lance-” Keith sits up, but Lance can't shut up. 

 

“-and you can’t find it in yourself to ever care, can you, because you don’t think you deserve nice things which is totally bogus and stupid because you’re stupid and everything you do is stupid because you never think, and that’s precisely why you _need_ me and not the stupid fucking Blade of Marmora because not a single one will ever will make lame Star Wars jokes with you or suck your dick or tell you that it’s okay to cry sometimes. Not single one will ever cry when you get blown to pieces in battle because they sacrificed you to the greater good, but what good is it if someone _loves you_ -“

 

And he’s crying. He’s crying and he can’t breathe and it hurts too goddamn much.

 

_oh no, I think I'm catching feelings_

_and I don't know if this is empathy I feel_

_Just hold on_

_remember why you said this was the last time?_

“Whatever. _Whatever._ ” He stumbles out of the door, pulling his arm through the sleeve of his jacket, before he lets Keith have the chance to say anything back. What could Keith say to that, anyway? What could he say to a declaration of love when he can’t love back because it hurts him too much? What could he say when he’d much rather _die_ than be with people who care about him?

 

It could only come to this, Lance thinks. Only this.

 

_and so I guess it’s_

_let die to let live_

**Author's Note:**

> ...this was supposed to have a happy ending. whoooppps???
> 
> this is basically me just crying because Keith left for BoM and I haven't even watched season 4 yet fnfnfnf


End file.
